Who is this for?
My specialization is love relationships, but this can also work for friends and family. Even if you haven't managed to connect well for a long while, if both parties still want to connect, then this work has potential to be fruitful. I like to combine my different fields of knowledge. I approach conflicts from Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which offers a lot of clarity and renewed connection. The core of conflicts is always the same, I explain below.

In addition to this, I also use my knowledge of attachment instincts (Dr. Neufeld), the Wheel of Consent and other enlightening ideas that will reveal how you lose yourself or each other in the relationship. These habits are often so normal to us that we cannot see them. They are usually developed in our family of origin and therefore like the water in which we swim, so naturally. The current relationship is an invitation to break free from those old patterns and move together towards more freedom in connection and zest for life.

Often the emotion we feel in the relationship is somehow linked to the past, we can't help it, this happens subconsciously. In addition to sessions together, I often do (a few sessions) with the partners separately (if that seems useful). When we can let go of the past that is unconsciously projected onto the current situation, this greatly helps the relationship. Everything you learn here together and whatever you decide to do differently, will become much easier to realize.

More about conflicts viewed from Non-Violent Communication (NVC)
NVC says that all conflicts in the world lie at the level of strategy. Below this surface lie our needs, which we try to fulfill with strategies.

Arguments about the dishes is never about the dishes.
This example provides insight into NVC's view of conflicts. Arguing about something as trivial as washing the dishes releases built-up tension, but it doesn't really solve anything. They keep returning. The emotional charge lies beneath the strategy of who should do the dishes.

For example, the observation that your partner leaves the dishes alone can fuel the painful story that he or she no longer appreciates you. The pain that fuels the argument is this story, but you are not aware of it. So there is a fight about the agreements regarding the washing up.

For example, you say something like: "Henk, it's your turn to do the dishes! Go again with that stupid computer of yours! It's driving me crazy!"

If you could communicate at a need level, it would sound like this, for example: "Henk, when I saw that you quickly returned to your computer after dinner, I felt a stab in my body. The idea that you no longer appreciate me, not to love more like I used to makes me very sad."

Do you feel the difference? In the first case I have to be on the defensive, while in the second case I am hit. I am not told what I am "doing wrong", but what the other person experiences. She wants to be appreciated? Who doesn't, I understand, what a painful idea to not be appreciated anymore.

There is a good chance that I will then feel guilty, that is also not the way to go. Because I also had needs that I was trying to fulfill. If that is not allowed, then I am unfree, something in me wants to go.

Relationships can become very painful because it is often not clear where the core of conflict lies.

Washing dishes is just one example. Of course it can also be about "bigger things". However, the essence is the same, the conversation is about this "thing" instead of the underlying needs of both parties.

How does this work?
First we will find out by telephone what is going on. If emotions run high between you, I will first see you both separately. I help you individually to discover your needs. You can share your judgments and opinions with me very openly, uncensored. By finally giving them space, they will be able to fulfill their function as a guide. They lead us to what is so important to you. What the conflict is actually about for you. That what you fight for, without even realizing it. As soon as it is seen in our conversation, your body relaxes, because it has finally been heard.
If the tension is not that high, we can possibly choose to sit down immediately with the three of you so that you are part of exploring what is important to the other.

When the three of us sit down, we enter into the conversation with this new knowledge. As a mediator, I ensure that both parties can say what is important to them and that it is heard by the other. Hearing the other person is not so obvious. The pain of arguments often requires a lot of empathy from me before the other person can really be heard. Once you have really heard each other in what is so important to the other, you will experience more peace, softness and connection.

Now that the need to fight for a strategy (Who does the dishes.) is gone, there is finally room for creativity. You will find ways that accommodate the needs of all parties. This feels fundamentally different then a compromise where you give up a part of yourself for the sake of the relationship and the needs of the other person.

Will this save my relationship?
A relationship therapist cannot save relationships. That said; doing this together is a very good signal to each other that you are willing to put in effort to be together. In my experience this work makes a big difference in relationships. You finally really understand each other, sometimes after many years of built up frustrations. You can finally deal constructively with each other's wishes and needs.

This work together ensures that we live in reality, which always leads to a better life. When do you feel good? If your needs are welcomed and are met to a reasonable extent. Not all our needs need to be met, but as long as they are not acknowledged, there will always be discontent growing in us

Couples therapy creates space for authenticity and strategies that meet most needs. If you want to experience intimacy, security, playfulness and connection in your relationship, this is a very good step.