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(relationship) Mediation (Not Meditation)

Who is this for?
It is suitable for any kind of relationship; work, friends, neighbors, family or love relationship. The core of conflict is always the same, I explain this below.

(relationship) Mediation based on Non-Violent Communication (NVC)
NVC says that all conflicts in the world are at the level of strategy. Below this surface are our needs, which we try to fulfill with strategies.

Arguments about the dishes are never about the dishes.
The following example provides insight into NVC's view on conflicts. Arguing about something as silly as the dishes releases tension that has built up, but it doesn't really solve anything. These arguments become recurrent. The emotional charge however is below the strategy of who should do the dishes.

For example, the observation that your partner doesn't do the dishes, can feed the painful story that he or she no longer values ​​you. The pain that fuels the fights is this story. But because you are not aware of this, there is an argument about the dishes.

You would say for example something like, "Hank, it's your turn to do the dishes! You with your stupid computer! It drives me crazy!"

Communicated on a need level it would sound something like this: "Hank, when I saw that you went straight back to your computer after dinner, I felt a stab in my body. The idea that you no longer appreciate me, don't love me like before, makes me very sad."

Do you feel the difference? In the first case I have to defend myself, while in the second I am touched. I am not told what I "am doing wrong" but what the other person is experiencing. She wants to be appreciated? Who doesn't, I understand that. What a painful idea not to be appreciated anymore.

Chances are I will start to feel guilty, that is not the way to go either. Because I had needs of my own that I was trying to fulfill. If that is not allowed, I am not free, then something in me wants to leave.

Relationships can become very painful when it's unclear where the core of conflict lies.

The dishes are just an example. It can also be about "bigger things". The essence, however, is the same. The conversation is about this "thing" rather than the underlying needs of both parties.

How does a mediation work?
One by one I help you to discover your needs. You can share your judgments and opinions with me in a very open, uncensored manner. By finally giving them space, they will be able to fulfill their function as sign posts. They lead us to what is so important to you. To what the conflict is really about for you. That which you fight for, without realizing it. As soon as this is seen in our conversation, your body relaxes, it is finally heard.

Then when the three of us sit down, we start the conversation with this new knowledge. As a mediator, I ensure that both parties can say what is important to them, and that it is heard by the other. Hearing the other person is not as easy as it seems. The pain of all the arguments, frequently requires a lot of empathy from me before the other person can be heard. Once you have really heard what is so important to the other, you will experience more connection.

Now that the need to fight for a strategy is gone, there is finally room for creativity. You will find ways in which there is room for the needs of all parties.

Will this save my relationship?
A mediator or relationship therapist cannot save relationships. Although I can offer you a lot in addition to mediation. Knowledge and techniques to deepen the relationship and to breathe new life into it. I am fascinated by relationships, especially intimate relationships, my knowledge is both experiential as theoretical.

Mediation ensures that people live in reality, this always leads to a better life. When do you feel good? When your needs are acknowledged and met to a reasonable degree. Not all of our needs need be met, but as long as they are not acknowledged, something will always be gnawing in us.

Mediation creates space for authenticity and strategies that meet the most needs. If you want to experience intimacy, safety, playfulness and connection in your relationship, this is a very good step.
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